First post from Arizona and it came to me while crying in the shower - weird -

I’ve been meaning to update but obviously I haven’t.  I will try to bullet the important things going on in my life that are actually relevant to my blog:

-I was laid off the day after my last post.  And no I had ZERO idea it was coming L

-I took a travel assignment for 13 weeks in Phoenix Arizona.

-I had to leave everyone I knew and loved across the country.

-My mother made the 2 day road trip to Phoenix (another blog, another time.)

That leads me to last night/this past week.

Initial thoughts “How cool am I to go across the US just to work.  Who actually gets to do that and do it with their best friend.  I’ll be somewhere warm.  What an experience.  I’m going to be the impact.  Missing my friends and family won’t be an issue since it is only 13 weeks.” 

Current thoughts “I miss my family.  I miss my friends.  I miss my church.  What kind of impact could I ever make?  Who am I?”

Thursday was the first day of really feeling lost.  I watched church service alone Thursday night and couldn’t help but cry my eyes out.  I feel as though I’ll never find a church like Quest and truth is I don’t want to.  Quest is my home and where my comfort is. –Important part of my reflection- 

Friday morning I had a FaceTime session with my lifegroup and felt even sadder.  I cannot put into words how important the people in KY are to me.  You would think I was dying or going across the world never to return!  So all day Friday I was in a funk. 

While in the shower I started to cry (I promise I don’t cry this often), and begged Jesus to do something with my hormonal, irrational self.  Yes, I have my heart to hearts with Jesus in the shower..who doesn’t?

I looked up with my hands open for suggestions or any sort of help available and asked “Who am I?”  The question came out before I could even think twice about why I would ask that and why I didn’t know the answer.  Clearly I know who I am but Jesus knew what I meant before I even knew what the question was really asking...Who am I here in Arizona?  Where is my identity without my friends, family, place of employment, church, lifegroup, etc…

Church service was about the action steps of not living in the toxic of unforgiveness…meaning in order to continue our walk with Christ we needed to take up our cross and go to our offenders to ask for forgiveness or give them forgiveness…For me I had an instant list of offenders that had hurt me and being the person I am had hurt them in return (not my proudest moments.)  Two people I sent immediate texts to and the freedom I found was insane!  One reply was better than I could have imagined and the other was exactly what Pastor Pete had warned us of..Pastor Pete said something that should be tattooed on my forehead: “The cross wasn’t a logical response..It was a grace response.  Forgiveness wasn’t deserved or earned..It was a gift of mercy and love.”  WHOA!

Friday night we went to a Chris August concert with our new travel RN friend who knows Jesus (how freaking awesome!!)

Saturday (today) reflection:  At the concert I probably spent 50% just falling in love with Chris August (true story) and the other 50% just thinking/analyzing on the thoughts I had been writing down throughout this week..

1-I haven’t found a church because I have shut myself off.  I came to AZ thinking it was pointless and hopeless to find something as amazing as Quest.  Who knows I may not find a “home” like Quest but I could at least allow my heart to try!  Tomorrow after work we are trying out a new church and I know Jesus is totally going to meet me there..I can’t wait to see what He has to show me.

2-I have spent so much time wallowing in my sadness and allowing things/people here on earth BE my identity.  This was a sin (ouch..hard to swallow that sentence).. Truth is my identity is in Christ.. Where and when did I lose sight of this?  More importantly – HOW AWESOME IS IT TO ADMIT THAT I DIDN'T LOSE BUT SIMPLY MISPLACED MY IDENTITY AND FOUND IT!  Talk about feeling lighter!!  Then Chris August totally spoke about how sometimes he loses sight and he is a Christian musician..Aren’t they supposed to have it all together?!  WHOA!!!

3-Jesus led us straight to hospital orientation and sat us right in front of a girl who traveled all alone and had such a peace and excitement about it..what made her so sure she was doing the right thing and doing it alone?! (brave)..later I found out that she had a heart that beat for Jesus.  Her shine was the same shine I possess but have allowed the enemy to bury under the sin of  misplaced identity..Whoa.

So even if this doesn't sound at all like WHOA moments to you it certainly has been for me.  This post is long and I still feel like there is much more to say…Tonight I am working on the unit for the first time.  I am hoping that all these crazy Whoa moments are fuel to be the shining Jesus lover I was made to be..so after some not so shiny moments I am back on track and ready to be the impact.  That is who I am!

Prayers are welcome and always wanted ;)

Thanks for reading my brain traffic :p

Schizophrenia voices or wait..is that You Jesus?

Friday was Leadership Retreat (church thing)!!  Only one word to describe this huge step toward a new relationship with God :

A-M-A-Z-I-N-G

This is going to be a long post simply because I have a ton to say about my confessions and I am ready to bring light to these dark places.  I have yet to recover from what Jesus has done in my heart and I am more than thrilled that I haven't.  I'm working on a few things that Jesus revealed to me as areas that I need to work on, and of course you will hear all about it.  It is so crazy how I went into session one hoping to hear from God, but at the same time my heart wasn't ready to listen.  August 27, I was up in my office doing some homework and as usual I started to drift off onto other things.. I can't even remember what I was reading but I heard "your heart has to be open to have your ears open."  I thought it was odd how that just popped into my head so of course like any blogger would do I wrote it down on a post it note (simply because I wouldn't remember the exact wording and that would mess up this entire post..so yay I saved the day)..

August 31: Leadership Retreat

Like I said I was ready to hear from God because that is what I wanted and why I paid to go to retreat!  Everyone kept telling me I wasn't there by accident and I believed it.  One thing I struggle with which is confession #1: I can't hear from God..  I have prayed continuously that I would be able to hear from God..and yet I always have this conflicting battle as to whether or not I am hearing from God or I am trying to pretend I'm God and make my own decisions.  This leads to confession #2: I don't hear from God and I don't have emotions like normal Christians so am I really a Christian?  After LR, I still didn't have answers to these questions/confessions.  I knew I had encountered God because I didn't feel the same but I wasn't able to pinpoint the exact change.  I felt like I had been cheated and was mad at everyone else on LR that seemed to be a favorite of Jesus because they were having these amazing encounters and I was smiling and nodding like I was too..  My alone time at LR with Jesus was another frustrating time for me and I'll blog more about that at a later time..just know within that hour I had no idea what was happening until days after that hour :)

September 4: Jesus day to favor my heart and ears :)

I randomly woke up at 5 a.m. with a heavy heart.  This happens often and I normally write it off as a wake up call from my bladder.  This time I KNOW it wasn't my bladder haha!

For days I have felt something stirring up in me and the unknown was killing me.  At LR, Pastor Pete did an entire session on "the grace path" which is the path God has designed just for you.  He showed us what it looked like to be on your grace path and what it looked like to be on someone else's grace path.  Confession #3: I was on someone else's grace path and I had no desire to get on my own!  I am often looking at other people and thinking why do they get to be married to a great guy, why does she always get all the praise for a great job when I work my tail off, why am I always picked on when I see people doing really nasty things without any consequences, why does my life have to be so hard, when do I get a break like her, why don't I have any special talents, why can't I be that person that is able to lead a ministry, and the list goes on and on!  Pete did an illustration on what it looked like on each side of the path:

My Grace Path :)

confidence

humility

joy

peace 

freedom

gratitude

attractiveness

favor

authority

HOWEVER

God made a gift for me but I'd rather have someone else's gift or their grace path which leads me to the following:

insecurity

pride

resentment

anxiety

performance

jealousy

ugliness

unblessed

ineffectiveness 

Pastor Pete said "our sinful eye strays from our grace path to someone else's grace path" and that hit home! I had no idea it was a sin!!!  He challenged us to embrace our grace path and I accepted his challenge.

I have found myself looking at old photos, someone else's facebook or twitter, wishing for something more than what I have, wishing for something different and then a voice says loud and clear "This isn't your grace path" and I am instantly shutting down the straying sinful eye.

I will blog more about what I discovered through LR but for now I want you to know that even people that seem to be great Christians don't have it all together and there is ugliness there.  I struggle with insecurity, pride, resentment, anxiety, performance, jealousy, unblessedness, and ineffectiveness every other second..This has been my way of life for 24 years.  I caught myself crying after that session at LR and I remember saying "I don't know why I am crying."  That was the truth.  Now I know.  Four days later, Jesus has painted an outline of the events, emotions, and thoughts at LR in a way that He knew I'd understand.  I was crying because finally I was able to see that those 24 year old words that I thought were my DNA were not.  I had hope.  I had heard from Jesus and without a doubt I knew.  He broke my heart in order to open it up to open my ears to hear the words Pastor Pete was saying and then days later to hear Jesus whisper over and over this is not my grace path.  I don't feel alone, frustrated, or mad because I no longer feel like His step child but his very own loved, treasured, and adored daughter.  I am a favorite too!  I've heard for weeks that I need to blog my experiences.  So here I am blogging and as I type this blog out I not only have a huge weight lifted off by bringing light to these dark, sinful thoughts and feelings, but I have hope that someone out there is struggling with the same dark feelings.  My hope is that you read this blog and think "wow that is so me" and you find hope that you haven't been forgotten..My prayer is that you are able to open your heart so you can hear what He has to tell you..

I'll close for now because I'm sure your attention span has maxed out :)  There is much more to come!!!!!!

Love you :)

Jesus told me to blog..say what?!?!

After a lot of time in prayer, talking it over with my life group, and listening to sermon after sermon I have heard from the big man above . . .

Jesus has instructed me to blog. . . So here I am returning to my blog from February to bring you more shenanigans that you can hopefully relate to . . .

How did this come about??  Well, recently at my church (questcommunity.com) we started a series about being the impact.  I have always had this feeling that I am suppose to somehow share my testimony, struggles, and daily encounters with God but I suffer from word salad-itis (inflammation of brain that results in my words being scrambled and thrown together similar to a salad)..  Therefore, Jesus knew that behind a keyboard I could do this and it would be raw, fresh, from the heart (he digs that kinda stuff)... So here is kinda an intro to this recent adventure and update on myself since my one and only blog effort of February.

Clayton King, a guest pastor, spoke to Questers and really ignited this idea of becoming a struggling Christian blogger.  As I sat through service it was like my heart kept deciphering through his message and saying "yes this means blog."  After speaking to my life group and reflecting on all the truth they have spoken to me I heard words such as: authentic, funny, honest, real, joy, powerful, motivating, strong...the kind of impact words you wanna hear.  My goal in these blogs to come is not to rant on about my life but to rant on about my life in hopes that you gain something from my experiences, struggles, and leaps of faith.  I'd love to know if there is anything in particular I can help with or if something I say sparks something in you.. I'd love to know my blog efforts are reaching at least one heart!  

Virginity in today's society ..

Back in my Mamaw's day being a virgin meant you had never been in a dark room with a boy and most definitely not a BEDROOM!  A kiss with more than 16 seconds of tongue was a bit much.  Today's virgins have been in dark rooms, bedrooms, bathrooms, backseats, yards, couch, dressing room, elevator, etc.  My point is they are self proclaimed virgins because they haven't done the deed although they've read the deed they *technically* have yet to do the deed.  That's where I stand . . . with my blog.

Sheesh...get your mind out of the gutter.

I've flirted with a million blogs but have yet to commit or "do the deed" which in blog world would be more than 3 posts.  I have found it to be therapeutic even if no one reads it but my poor sister who has no choice but to read it.  

Just wanted to get my blog rolling.  Come back for the definition of my blog name and description and other awesome, cool, poor grammatically written thoughts.

P.S. these are thoughts so my punctuation and what not will not be correct..I meant for it to flow...not please my 4th grade english teacher.

I'm too tired to think anymore so here's my virgin, not-so virgin blog post for Brain Traffic.

Thx. K? Bye :)