A-M-A-Z-I-N-G
This is going to be a long post simply because I have a ton to say about my confessions and I am ready to bring light to these dark places. I have yet to recover from what Jesus has done in my heart and I am more than thrilled that I haven't. I'm working on a few things that Jesus revealed to me as areas that I need to work on, and of course you will hear all about it. It is so crazy how I went into session one hoping to hear from God, but at the same time my heart wasn't ready to listen. August 27, I was up in my office doing some homework and as usual I started to drift off onto other things.. I can't even remember what I was reading but I heard "your heart has to be open to have your ears open." I thought it was odd how that just popped into my head so of course like any blogger would do I wrote it down on a post it note (simply because I wouldn't remember the exact wording and that would mess up this entire post..so yay I saved the day)..
August 31: Leadership Retreat
Like I said I was ready to hear from God because that is what I wanted and why I paid to go to retreat! Everyone kept telling me I wasn't there by accident and I believed it. One thing I struggle with which is confession #1: I can't hear from God.. I have prayed continuously that I would be able to hear from God..and yet I always have this conflicting battle as to whether or not I am hearing from God or I am trying to pretend I'm God and make my own decisions. This leads to confession #2: I don't hear from God and I don't have emotions like normal Christians so am I really a Christian? After LR, I still didn't have answers to these questions/confessions. I knew I had encountered God because I didn't feel the same but I wasn't able to pinpoint the exact change. I felt like I had been cheated and was mad at everyone else on LR that seemed to be a favorite of Jesus because they were having these amazing encounters and I was smiling and nodding like I was too.. My alone time at LR with Jesus was another frustrating time for me and I'll blog more about that at a later time..just know within that hour I had no idea what was happening until days after that hour :)
September 4: Jesus day to favor my heart and ears :)
I randomly woke up at 5 a.m. with a heavy heart. This happens often and I normally write it off as a wake up call from my bladder. This time I KNOW it wasn't my bladder haha!
For days I have felt something stirring up in me and the unknown was killing me. At LR, Pastor Pete did an entire session on "the grace path" which is the path God has designed just for you. He showed us what it looked like to be on your grace path and what it looked like to be on someone else's grace path. Confession #3: I was on someone else's grace path and I had no desire to get on my own! I am often looking at other people and thinking why do they get to be married to a great guy, why does she always get all the praise for a great job when I work my tail off, why am I always picked on when I see people doing really nasty things without any consequences, why does my life have to be so hard, when do I get a break like her, why don't I have any special talents, why can't I be that person that is able to lead a ministry, and the list goes on and on! Pete did an illustration on what it looked like on each side of the path:
My Grace Path :)
confidence
humility
joy
peace
freedom
gratitude
attractiveness
favor
authority
HOWEVER
God made a gift for me but I'd rather have someone else's gift or their grace path which leads me to the following:
insecurity
pride
resentment
anxiety
performance
jealousy
ugliness
unblessed
ineffectiveness
Pastor Pete said "our sinful eye strays from our grace path to someone else's grace path" and that hit home! I had no idea it was a sin!!! He challenged us to embrace our grace path and I accepted his challenge.
I have found myself looking at old photos, someone else's facebook or twitter, wishing for something more than what I have, wishing for something different and then a voice says loud and clear "This isn't your grace path" and I am instantly shutting down the straying sinful eye.
I will blog more about what I discovered through LR but for now I want you to know that even people that seem to be great Christians don't have it all together and there is ugliness there. I struggle with insecurity, pride, resentment, anxiety, performance, jealousy, unblessedness, and ineffectiveness every other second..This has been my way of life for 24 years. I caught myself crying after that session at LR and I remember saying "I don't know why I am crying." That was the truth. Now I know. Four days later, Jesus has painted an outline of the events, emotions, and thoughts at LR in a way that He knew I'd understand. I was crying because finally I was able to see that those 24 year old words that I thought were my DNA were not. I had hope. I had heard from Jesus and without a doubt I knew. He broke my heart in order to open it up to open my ears to hear the words Pastor Pete was saying and then days later to hear Jesus whisper over and over this is not my grace path. I don't feel alone, frustrated, or mad because I no longer feel like His step child but his very own loved, treasured, and adored daughter. I am a favorite too! I've heard for weeks that I need to blog my experiences. So here I am blogging and as I type this blog out I not only have a huge weight lifted off by bringing light to these dark, sinful thoughts and feelings, but I have hope that someone out there is struggling with the same dark feelings. My hope is that you read this blog and think "wow that is so me" and you find hope that you haven't been forgotten..My prayer is that you are able to open your heart so you can hear what He has to tell you..
I'll close for now because I'm sure your attention span has maxed out :) There is much more to come!!!!!!
Love you :)
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